Wow, it's been a while since I've been here.
I've come to the realization that, despite all my efforts, Mr. H and I are unlikely to ever be on the same page regarding finances, or a lot of other things. When we got married I believed that we had much more common ground than we actually do. I had hopes for many years that we would eventually come together on things, in a way we could both live happily with. Now, after almost 20 years, I think it's unreasonable to keep thinking that. I've spent the last six months developing a sense of peace about this. It's a thin peace, but still it's peace.
I'm in a denomination that discourages divorce, and I've had the opportunity to observe a number of marriages over the course of many years. Some people have great marriages that are sources of joy and pleasure for them and some have difficult marriages that create lives of patient endurance. It's a comfort, really. My situation isn't all that different from many women (and men).
We are still together, and likely will continue so (divorce is expensive!). . . but it's a different kind of together than I worked so hard for, for so many years. Frankly, I don't think anyone would get married and hope they would have a life like ours. But it is what it is, and I've decided to put more of my energy into things that will be fruitful, instead of trying to influence a situation that will not.
As such, I'm going to rename my blog to Petunia in a Flower Garden. . . . when I figure out how to do that. The French onion soup was helpful, but I'm moving on emotionally.
Daisy continues to grow, and our financial situation continues to be stable. We aren't rolling in cash, but we've weathered the current economy pretty well so far. I've kind of checked out of our finances for the last year and a half or so - now it's time to check back in.
I have achieved none of the goals I have on my side bar. . . still there's two and half months left in the year. Probably some time to make some progress on them. . . or rewrite them entirely.
Petunia in a Flower Garden
October 17th, 2012 at 04:47 am
October 17th, 2012 at 05:25 am 1350447939
I suggest writing out some goals for yourself at the very least you will have a road map of sorts the the next five years. If DD Daisy is more independent and less reliant on parents where will you be professionally, socially, financially & emotionally? Are there any places you'd lie to visit? Any skills you'd like to acquire? Any religious depths you'd like to explore?
October 17th, 2012 at 12:46 pm 1350474405
I have given a fair amount of thought to what I want to do as Daisy grows up. It will provide much fodder for future posts.
October 17th, 2012 at 03:09 pm 1350482945
I've been married almost 11 years. The first five were fantastic. Happiness began to take a nosedive when I got pregnant for DS1. Now, two kids (2 and 4) later, frankly, we aren't happy. Life is too much. The kids wear through us, and at the end of the day, there is nothing left for each other.
I have had to work very hard at letting go of resentment. I never wanted children, and yet I've had to put all of my dreams and ambitions, as well as my career in the freezer to chase after them all day. I've been turned into a SAHM, which is great for some people, but not for me. I spend my whole life taking care of the three males living in my house, and they give little back. (not even a homemade mother's day card this year).
It's not what I'd envisioned for my life. Not what I wanted, even though I love them very much. It's very hurtful, and makes me angry sometimes, but I'm trying to move on. So yeah. I'm jut holding on hoping things will improve as the kids get older, and maybe one day our relationship will be as good as it was before kids. Fingers crossed. I'll keep mine crossed for you too.
October 17th, 2012 at 03:49 pm 1350485393
October 17th, 2012 at 05:32 pm 1350491556
October 17th, 2012 at 05:40 pm 1350492053
Best of luck to you, Petunia in a Flower Garden.
October 17th, 2012 at 08:24 pm 1350501865
October 18th, 2012 at 12:22 am 1350516128
October 18th, 2012 at 04:17 am 1350530265
October 18th, 2012 at 05:05 am 1350533115
I was reminded of a blog post I read recently at Happiest Mom. I found it fascinating. (She divorced her husband and then realized it was a huge mistake - they are remarried).
http://thehappiestmom.com/2010/02/happy-marriage-advice-from...
October 18th, 2012 at 01:53 pm 1350564820
Thriftorama, I have found it getting easier in some ways as Daisy gets older. Until she was two I worked half time from home with no childcare. With two 24 hour per day jobs I felt crazy most of the time. It gets easier when they can all dress themselves, put on their own seatbelts, use the bathroom on their own, etc. It's a season of life, as they say, and each season comes with its own challenges. Mind numbing exhaustion is part of the early years.
PS, thanks for sharing the view from the other side. I am not lonely, but my lack of lonliness is not because of my marriage. I have good friends and a good church family. After going through what I've been through, I wonder how many people who are married 40+ years feel just the same way I do? We only see the outside and wonder about the perseverance, when perhaps it was just the easiest course of action to stay together.
MM, thanks for that article. It was really quite good. I have considered divorce (did I really just confess that? I think many people consider it) but ultimately I figured that I would just exchange one set of problems for another. We do have areas that I would consider the Deep Dark Issues she describes, and they aren't resolvable at this point. I finally got to the straw that broke the camel's back on things, hence my decision to stop trying to influence the unchangeable and put some distance between Mr H and me.