I have read lots of blogs that discuss finances, and so many of them rave on and on about how they (the writer and the spouse) are a team. They have a great financial goal, and they are headed full steam towards that goal. Over months and years you can see them, working together, achieving that goal.
But what if you are married to someone who doesn't share your financial aspirations? Or someone who pays lip-service to mutual goals but is unwilling to make sacrifices to achieve those goals? What if you are married to someone whose financial strategies cause you a great deal of discomfort? And is unwilling to work out a compromise with you? That is the unfortunate position in which I now find myself.
My quest is to figure out how to make myself more comfortable with our finances while not starting a cold war in my home, and to discover how to achieve financial goals without cooperation from my husband. (Those who are married are shaking their heads in disbelief.) I'll also add here that, while I am frustrated with my situation, I'm not trying to make my husband UNcomfortable while I make myself comfortable. I really feel that this would be the wrong-spirited way to take care of my problems.
We aren't doing too badly financially, really. We own our own home. We have a modest income. I worked until our daughter was two, then left paid employment to be home full time with her. She is now eight, and home schooled. We have no debt but our mortgage and pay off our credit card every month. Neither of us are big spenders.
But - we still spend monthly a little more than we make monthly. How is that possible without massive credit card debt, you ask? We had savings when I left work, and DH receives a bonus each year that is a percentage of his annual income. Some of this money was spent on things like insulation, a furnace and new windows. Some of it was spent on groceries. Some of it was spent on frivolities. Most of my work savings is gone. Most of this year's bonus, paid in December, is still sitting around.
Additionally, we are in our mid-40's without much saved for retirement. This has me extremely nervous. I don't expect Social Security to be around when I'm 70. I am watching our parents and their friends age. . . become less healthy. . . need help with daily activities. Someday this will be us. Aside from trying to take the best care of my health that I can, I feel we need to be more aggressive in saving for our old age.
Right now I don't have any formal goals. A goal can be measured, right? I just have a mission, and no matter how I word it, it sounds a bit selfish, but it's still my mission: to look after my own personal comfort in the areas of the amount that is spent each month and retirement savings. Goals will eventually follow.
Introduction
April 15th, 2008 at 04:37 am
April 15th, 2008 at 05:06 am 1208236003
April 15th, 2008 at 05:26 am 1208237172
April 15th, 2008 at 05:27 am 1208237253
April 15th, 2008 at 09:33 am 1208251980
April 15th, 2008 at 11:37 am 1208259424
April 15th, 2008 at 12:00 pm 1208260848
I don't know who these "teams" you've read about are, but I personally believe that these couples are in the minority. The sad truth is, a lot of couples simply are not on the same page. Financially.
Fortunately, not all are so terribly polarized, and even if they are, I think there are ways they can reconcile if they really want to.
But the bottom line is, it's not easy when you're not on the same page....
April 15th, 2008 at 01:00 pm 1208264437
See if your husband will join in. Perhaps all it will take is a common goal...a small vacation, a new toy for him. Good luck.
April 15th, 2008 at 01:02 pm 1208264522
It wasn’t always like that. I can remember times yelling at my wife about her spending too much for groceries (she didn’t use coupons or buy sales items). She would you yell at me for buying breakfast, lunch, 3 $4 coffees at work everyday.
Then our son racked up about $20k in medical costs and switched health care to the tune of $1,250 a month. Needless to say, ends were meeting, barely.
Then me and my wife had the talk. We were both uncomfortable about where we were. We came up together with what our financial future would look like. What are our goals and dreams?
Our first goal was to create some financial stability (eliminating debt and building and EF). Our next goals will be to save for retirement (which I’m doing anyway) and save for college.
Me and my wife want the same things in life. (Of course I want a new BMW M5 and she wants a beach house.)
The only way we could do this was to get on a budget and each do our part to reduce are expenses. My job is to keep track of the budget on a day to day aspect. It’s not uncommon for me to call my wife or her to call me and say that I might go over on this line item. So, we decide that we’ll take money out of the clothing or vacation budget to cover food, but it’s a decision together. But once a month, we do sit down and look at how things are going, where we are with our goals, what we want to achieve next month, and any big expenses coming up.
Now, we weren’t always like this, but the budgeting together really helped and forced us to communicate. So I guess what I am saying is you need to have that talk and discuss what you both want to accomplish and what are your fears. Then you can discuss how to get there.
April 15th, 2008 at 01:20 pm 1208265632
Baselle - I have a good idea of what drives my husband. . . but I don't feel comfortable discussing it at this time. Thanks for your encouragement!
Maismom - Glad to have your company! I have just arrived at the point where I'm going to focus more on my own goals. I can't handle as much drifting as we've been doing over the last several years.
Broken Arrow - I suppose it's true that couples who are on the same page financially are in the minority. I'm still hoping that DH & I could come to something we could both live comfortably with. . . while admitting that it seems unlikely we'll ever be headed for the same goal.
April 15th, 2008 at 02:10 pm 1208268611
Merch - Thank you for sharing your history. It's great that your financial crisis brought you and your wife together. A crisis seems to either bring people together or tear them apart. Merch, if I could get my husband to talk about what he wants out of life and what his fears are, that would solve about half of our problems, and I'm not just talking about the financial ones. Believe me, I have tried. And tried. And tried. After beating my head against the wall for several years I have finally arrived in the place where I am now - persuing goals on my own.
April 15th, 2008 at 02:44 pm 1208270657
April 15th, 2008 at 04:06 pm 1208275572
April 15th, 2008 at 05:04 pm 1208279083
April 15th, 2008 at 08:27 pm 1208291242
April 15th, 2008 at 08:40 pm 1208292039
My spouse isn't always right there with me financially, and that is occasionally a source of stress. What results have you had with helping him identify a goal that the two of you would have to save up for? Or keeping a regularly monitored chart or visual map of what you'd like to accomplish, or what your net worth is? It can be frustrating to be talking/expressing/sharing, but not be comprehended or well understood. Have things gotten to the point where outside counseling help has been considered?
April 15th, 2008 at 10:53 pm 1208300002
sagegirl - sounds like a crisis pulled you and your dh together as well? I'm glad things are working well for you.
Paulette - DH & I were working together when we bought the house. . . that was 11 years ago. I have had no results in identifying or working on mutual goals with him since then. Our problems run pretty deep. We did counseling four years ago. I don't feel comfortable discussing the details of it here, but it didn't prove fruitful. I appreciate your suggestions; I may try to put more information in front of DH, but in small bites.
January 18th, 2009 at 01:55 pm 1232286949
January 19th, 2009 at 04:41 am 1232340083
November 20th, 2009 at 04:44 pm 1258735485