We had a second conversation in June regarding retirement savings, and that conversation went no where.
I asked Mr H what he wanted out of retirement. I drew pictures of it with stick figures. I drew what I wanted in retirement. (The pictures didn't really mesh very well, no surprise there.) I tried to convince Mr H that if we want things to be a certain way now, we needed to be working towards it. He might agree in principle, but when it gets down to discussing strategies our conversation becomes . . . difficult. He even said something along the lines that he expects some sort of magic to occur to make this all happen.
I have been having discussions with Mr H regarding increasing savings for at least two years. I have expressed my concerns about the future. He agrees in principle, but when it comes to actually doing anything . . . well, he just can't/won't. At this point in our life together, it's hard to give him the benefit of the doubt, so I'd say that he won't. This is not a new interaction for us.
Having now tried the "sit down and discuss a problem like rational adults and come up with a solution that works for both of us then implement it" approach -- and failed at it -- it's time for a different course of action.
I've decided to try the "Tom Sawyer fence painting approach." If you've ever read the story ** Tom has to whitewash a fence. He convinces the neighborhood boys that painting the fence is the most fun ever, and the neighborhood boys end up doing most of the work. Well. . . maybe it won't be exactly like that. But I do plan to get the ball really rolling on retirement savings and then convince him that it's really not that hard.
In the past when Mr H has said Yes that's great/I agree/I want that too but No, I won't-can't/It's not me/I forgot/I don't know, I have gone on to do whatever it was on my own. I wanted whatever it was that "we" agreed on enough to do the work. Then in Mr H's mind "Things just worked out." (We'll call that the "Things Worked Out" approach. They worked out for him because someone else did the work.) But that strategy backfired a bit. "We" may have gotten what "we" wanted, but it didn't build up Mr H's ability to do hard things. This time I plan to look for more ways to involve him.
The "Tom Sawyer fence painting approach" is not my preference, but I don't see a lot of other options here. We've had two years and more of basically fruitless discussions. Mr H is not going to change. I'm not kidding myself - at this point I do anticipate putting in way more effort on this than Mr H does. But I'm just not willing to wait until we're 70 to see what happens.
** I think I read this in high school. I hope I get the gist of this right.
Retirement Discussion. . . Again
October 21st, 2009 at 01:17 pm
October 21st, 2009 at 02:21 pm 1256134916
The best thing that I did to get my Mr. on board with the finances was to have him attend a financial seminar offered by our parish. Despite what I said or didn't say, it was helpful for him to hear money matters mentioned in a small group with guided discussions and homework assignments. Mr. is always willing to do whatever I suggest, and I was getting tired from doing it all.
I can tell how frustrated you are, and rightfully so. Sounds to me like outside help might be warranted. Is he open to that?
October 21st, 2009 at 02:42 pm 1256136132
Over time I've gotten Hubster involved by having him get on the phone w/me & w/financial service reps about our accounts - a conference call wherein I can ask pointed questions and have the info come from the rep, having him execute a trade or two online with me "IN CASE ANYTHING HAPPENS TO ME where you won't be flying blind honey."
It hasn't worked great, but it has helped some and he is more tuned into financial happenings on the news and on radio. He is getting better at being able to have informed discussions with, in spite of the fact that he won't read anything about finances.
I feel your pain.
Be as proactive as you can. Hopefully, he'll thank you for the "MAGIC" later.
October 21st, 2009 at 03:10 pm 1256137849
It went:
Me: "We need to increase our retirement contributions"
Him "I dont think we need to think about retirement. I figure we should let the money we already have in the IRA grow and be our retirement fund. We can use the money we now put to retirement into renovating the house."
October 21st, 2009 at 05:58 pm 1256147889
October 21st, 2009 at 07:30 pm 1256153421
I get that feeling that your Mr. H is thinking in the back of his mind, "I'm gonna die when I'm 66 - why put good money in when she is just going to blow my savings on cruises and "cubs".
How long do the males live on his side? Is there a dad, uncle, or granddad on his side of the family that you can highlight - good or bad?
October 21st, 2009 at 09:35 pm 1256160950
October 21st, 2009 at 11:00 pm 1256166014
But it certainly wouldn't hurt to blend that along with the Tom Sawyer carrot approach. A little bit of both.
November 20th, 2009 at 04:21 pm 1258734077